Sometimes I don’t know what my blog is going to be about until I started typing. And then my mind shifts into gear and all of a sudden my thoughts come to the forefront of my mind and it just flows out of me. Other times I’ve been thinking about something particular all day and I just know that’s what I want to write about. Today I knew all day.
Yesterday Annie woke up at 4.30am and by bedtime routine last night I was on my last legs. Completely drained and desperately needed to lay my head on a pillow and close my eyes. Of course Annie had other ideas and we had a difficult bed time. Annie didn’t want to sleep and frustratingly she kept waking up when I popped her in her cot. She doesn’t often do this now, so when it happens I’m somewhat enraged. After the 3rd time my patience was dangling by a thread. I sat back in my rocking chair in Annie’s nursery, willing her to sleep, but she clearly could feel my tension and continued to open her eyes, wriggle about and fight me. I couldn’t help but cry in that moment because I was so desperately tired and in that moment I was angry that there was no one downstairs to pass her to and say “your turn”. Because it’s always my turn. Every single time. No respite. No day off. And most days that’s ok. But I was feeling a bit sorry for myself. I think it’s ok to admit, now and again, that I wish there was someone to help and support me. On those off days when you just need someone to say “you go relax and I’ll take over”. What a relief that would be.
Anyway, I’m not sure if anyone else experiences this but I’m pretty sure Annie feels it when I’m sad. As I sat in the rocking chair and had a little pathetic cry Annie stared into my eyes and it was like she was staring into my soul. She all of a sudden realised I was crying and instantly stopped wriggling and just laid there very still, touched my face and just held her hand on my cheek. Call me crazy but I felt like she was comforting me. And you know what? It helped me. I realised in that moment that I had forgotten in the hazy fog of tiredness that my daughter is my world and I’m so utterly blessed to be sat here rocking my baby to sleep. I thought to myself “So what if it takes a bit longer than normal? So what if I’m tired?” I realised that I’ll look back in a few years and miss these special moments.
So, I pulled myself together and let those sad/ frustrated feelings go. I realised I was holding myself tense, so I sank deeper into the chair and relaxed my body, closed my eyes and focused on my own breathing and the rocking motion of the chair. Five minutes later I opened my eyes and Annie was fast asleep in my arms, still holding her hand against my cheek.
She slept wonderfully for the rest of the night and I was able to fall into a beautiful deep slumber. I woke this morning feeling refreshed and alive again, but mostly feeling incredibly grateful that my daughter had given me the gift of sleep. Thank you my darling.